Abandoned Dream

I abandoned my dream. I let go of all of the promises and hopes I’d had practically my whole life because things didn’t go as planned. I abandoned my dream because of things people said, or did, or didn’t do. My dream, not theirs, mine. Pity. I lost my confidence and I wasn’t as focused on God. I lost my way.

I was re-reading a devotional tonight, Chase the Lion, and came cross this:

“Every dreamer has to deal with naysayers, and I’ve had more than my fair share. So let me tell what I’ve learned about dealing with criticism. First of all, don’t let an arrow of criticism pierce your heart unless it first passes through the filter of Scripture. Second, you’ve got to come to terms with the fact that you can please all of the people some of the time and some of the people all of the time, but you cannot please all of the people all of the time.”

This spoke volumes to me as I read it again, and again. I felt so ashamed and repented for my sin of discontinuing what I know God told me to do. Some people go through the better part of their lives not knowing what their purpose is. Fortunately for me, I’ve known what mine was/is, but allowed a series of unfortunate events to prevent me from living out my purpose.

No one has the right to cause any of us to abandon our dreams. We can’t quit, even when it seems impossible, or if it takes a lifetime. We can’t quit. When I really took the time to acess my situation, there was no one instance that some outside source did TO me to make me give up. I was afraid. Plain and simple. I started listening to the lies the enemy whispered in my head and believed them to be true. I focused on every little, nit-picky thing, and not the truth. I was a coward and copped out. I’ve felt completely lost ever since.

God has a way of bringing us back around though. I kept telling myself maybe God was sending me in another direction. I tried to convince myself of that. I told myself He wanted me to just focus on my family, which I did, and have enjoyed spending devoted, quality time with them. That was for that season. Now it’s time to get busy doing what God wants. That may require me to be away from my family from time to time.

“No Fear” has been my motto the past few days. Some dreams are so big that you have to just go after it, with no fear. That’s the only way. The key is to take it one step at a time. That is the key thing I’ve learned these past few years. I can’t keep looking at the big picture too often or I’ll get overwhelmed. One day at a time, step by step is how anything that happens is done anyway. So that’s what I’ll do.

I’m so grateful for the clarity I receive in my quiet time with the Lord. If you dont know Him, now’s as good a time as any to try Him. I’m glad I did.😊

Hugs

Crossing Over

I am beginning to change my thought process. I have suffered from depression and anxiety for way, way, way too long. Like, it makes me gag to think about all of the joy it has stolen from me. I have allowed it to steal too much of my life. I was so used to speaking and believing the negative thoughts of who I am, but that is not who I am. I’m learning to see myself through the eyes of God and those that love me. I’m embracing this new stage of life.

One major deprecating thought I had, was that I am not good enough; I’m never chosen. I have been chosen. I was chosen by God. I was chosen by my husband. I am chosen by my friends, both now and in the future. I get so caught up in the fact that I have not reached a level of success that I’ve dreamt about. I asked myself this question today, “Why do I feel like I’m not good enough?”

 After serious thought, I realize it’s because I put myself out there, a lot. I’ve tried some big things, things that a lot of people wouldn’t dare attempt. Times, it was scary to try, but I did it anyway. I focused more on not being chosen for those things, than the fact that I had to guts to even try. I focused on the negative, instead of the positive. I didn’t focus on the “go-getter” mentality I’ve always had; that dreamer/doer attitude.

 I’ve always believed that if there is something I want to do, and I have the means and gumption to go after it, that’s what I do. Even if I didn’t have the means or knowledge, I would learn as much as I could to get going in the right direction. I didn’t focus on the fact that my trying certain things inspired others to believe that they can try new things as well. I’m accepting the fact that I am an inspiration to some, maybe many. I don’t know. That makes my heart tingle a little to know that.

 Whatever we do in life, wherever we are in the world, the best thing we can do for ourselves is to think positively. It’s not as easy for some as others. I can attest to that. It has brought about a major shift in how I view everything, myself, the world. That’s probably why there are so many books written on the subject: thought life. It is a very serious matter, and I’m happy to start crossing over to the positive side.

Hugs

 

Thoughts

The thing I like the most about my church is its diversity. It’s so cool when I volunteer in diff depts. and get to work with people I may never get to otherwise. Every year we have a big Christmas program called the Living Christmas Tree, that the choir puts on. I was not able to be involved, performance wise, this year as I’d hoped, so I’ve been volunteering as an usher.

The past few nights I’ve had the pleasure of working with two guys I’ve never met before in the church. The first night, I got to work with someone who is apart of the clown ministry. Needless to say, we didn’t have a dull moment working the door! He was very funny. I laughed so much that my cheeks started hurting. He is a good guy. We talked about his job and he’s even encouraged me to visit Branson, Missouri. I’d considered taking my family there before, but really want to go now. The topic came up because everyone kept asking about his flashing tie, which was a great conversation starter.😀

Last night, I volunteered with a fellow choir member that I’ve met, but never had an opportunity to have a one on one conversation before. We also had help from another gentlemen who was equally delightful. I met him very briefly the first night because we were supposed to work the same door. When I came back from dropping my son off with childcare, he was gone. He said he didn’t recognize me until we started talking because I’d changed my hairstyle and was wearing glasses. He specifically remembered because he thought it was neat that I two different colors in my hair. 🙂 He says he always tries to remember something about people that he meets. I appreciate how he pays attention to detail.

Tonight, my 8 year old and I got to help out with two more gentlemen that we’d not met before. They were so patient with my son, and encouraged him to greet guests and pass out programs. He enjoyed it more than I anticipated. The whole week has been a blessing and a joy to be in such a festive atmosphere. I still think this is the most wonderful time of the year! I love the holidays, and I love my church.

I am so grateful to have found a body of believers that truly get what it is to love like Jesus. We don’t get it right all the time, but we try. I most certainly speak for myself in saying that. That is my Christmas wish for the world- to try to love like Jesus. Even if we mess up, and we will, the blessings come in the trying.

Merry “Christ”mas!

Hugs

How to Deal with Negative People — MakeItUltra™

“You cannot have a positive life and a negative mind.” ~Joyce Meyer 1. Recognize and accept their toxicity First and foremost, it is important to identify and accept that someone we know is a negative person. This can be difficult, especially when the person is someone we care about. Either way, we must be careful not to allow […]

via How to Deal with Negative People — MakeItUltra™

Fresh and New

I let fear hold me back from so many things in life. I’m old(er) now and sometimes wiser. As time passes, I’ve been trying to learn to let go of fear and worry of people’s opinions. Worry is a silent killer. And for what? “Can any of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?” (Matt. 6:27)

I let fear and anger keep me from blogging. Blogging had been therapeutic for me. I am amazed by people sometimes, the lengths that people will go to … (sigh). One thing about life, it is a great teacher, whether we want to learn the lessons or not. I’m so very tired of living in fear. I’m releasing myself of that burden and doing things I really want to do, using every gift I’ve been blessed with. Not waiting for the new year. There is no time like the present, and God doesn’t operate within the confines of our time system anyway. So, why not?

If you have been blessed with the gift of life, which we all have, and have a dream/idea that’s covered with cob webs, clean it off and “Go for it”! Someone I admire told me to do just that recently. It felt so good to hear the words from someone else’s lips. Sometimes we need that. We need to hear words of encouragement. We need to remove ourselves from negative environments and toxic people. It is never too late to start something new. As long as we’re on this trajectory of life, there is always time to try something different.

Hugs

 

 

Untitled

I know a lot of people don’t believe in God these days, but I do. I always have, but some situations, He shows up in such a real way.

I think we disappointed some looking-to-start something folks last night that were hoping to cause us bodily harm. God blocked it, thankfully. One of my biggest fears was realized when my husband and I found ourselves in an unexpected, and unnecessary altercation during my son’s baseball game. God favored us. This very unnecessary altercation angered me, yet gave me pause to contemplate at the same time.

I’m the one in the neighborhood that always calls the cops when I see something suspicious. That’s just who I am. I’m the unofficial neighborhood watcher. Last night was the first time I was actually afraid to call the cops. I was in the process, as I feared for my life, and my husband’s and sleeping son’s. But all of a sudden I stopped and quickly processed the situation and realized it best we just walk away and try to simmer down.

Here’s the quick version of events- We arrived early to my oldest son’s baseball game. Everyone exits the car except me and my sleeping toddler. I wanted him to get a nap in before the game so he wouldn’t be crabby. Some Caucasian kids from a previous game decided to play football in the parking lot, right next to where we’d parked. Bam! The ball hits the side of the car. It’s dark out, so I opened the door to let them know, yes, someone’s inside. The kid apologizes and runs off. I give a look to the mom and she tells them to move further out into the lot.

My husband walks back to the car soon after, to which I comment, “Of course you would walk up right after some kids hit the car with the ball.” Almost as soon as I’d said it, another crashing Whop!! It hit the sunroof and sounded like the glass had cracked.

So we both got out of the car then. The kid ran away, but his mom started yelling at us, “It was an accident.” Which is understandable, but while we’re trying to ask them to take the ball out into the grass vs. the parking lot, they begin yelling at us, “It’s a park. It’s just a rubber ball. Take your car and move it. etc., etc.”

Then out of nowhere, a heavy set woman came yelling across the parking lot that we don’t yell at kids, which we weren’t. The first ones to yell were the parents, at us. She proceeds to start cursing at my husband and pointing her fingers at him. All of a sudden the parents start walking across the lot, past us. There are maybe 5 or 6 adults now. At that point, I had to calm myself and try to deescalate the situation because he does not respond well to being yelled and/or cursed at. I got back into the car and tried to get him to be quiet and get inside. I immediately grab my phone to call 911. That’s when I noticed the crazy lady, who ran over to involve herself, walk behind our car and take the tag info.

Meanwhile, another guy walked over to his big dually truck. Earlier, while en route to his truck, he makes a comment to let my husband know that he has a gun inside. My husband said he told him, “This ain’t what you want.”

We decide it best to leave and go park on the other side of the field. As we were leaving they taunted us, asking, “Y’all leaving? Bye!”

My heart was pounding from anger, disbelief at how quickly things escalated, and fear of what could have happened. When we walked up to the game, the other parents could tell something was wrong. We tried to relay what had transpired as best we could, but we were both still in a slight state of shock over what happened. I had to walk away and take a moment to process it.  I thanked God for allowing it to end the way it did. These days, it could have gone much worse. Especially, since the guy was so quick to go for his gun.

I never even got to voice the fact that my son was sleeping inside, that’s why the loud thumps were worse than normal. I could tell from the look on the initial bystander’s face that she could care less about my child. There was pure hatred in her eyes. She doesn’t even know us. She knows nothing about my family to hate us the way she does. It makes me sad for her to think about it now. The fact that she walks around in the world like that.

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On another note, I voted today. I shook off last night’s events and was happy to see the diversity of my town. Seeing that made me proud to be apart of a community of so many different backgrounds. So many different people living together, mostly, in unity. I refuse to hate like that woman hated me and my family. I refuse to do it. I still choose to focus on the good humans.  There are more of us than the bad.  There are. Don’t let the media or even one-off, random situations like we had, or so many of us across this country experience, convince us otherwise.

Love anyway.

Hugs

Random

I haven’t posted in a while. I’ve been trying to focus on raising my boys to see the good in the world, vs. focusing on the negativity that’s blasted at us on the daily. Sure, horrible things have happened all around the world, just as they are now, since the beginning of time, but we have access to everything as it happens. It can get overwhelming.

So, I try to go long periods of time without watching TV, or logging into my social media accounts. I have to make the necessary adjustments to maintain a sense of sanity and not lose hope in humanity. I inherently feel that there are still more good people than bad in the world, despite what we see. So, I choose to focus on the light.

 I mean, we have to, right?

 

(In need of) Hugs,

People

“Fear and anxiety are silent killers.” I read that somewhere today. It’s true. Picture it – A beautiful place, surrounded by beautiful people with joyful children laughing and playing. Feel the warmth from droves of people of various backgrounds, nationalities, and cultures interacting splendidly. We are bred to believe that people are inherently good, and these good people give People a good name.

Bad people? They are the ones that cause us to avert our eyes from the beauty we see, the joy we feel, and keep them stayed on the horrors around us. The bad ones shift our mindset from that of an optimist, to downright pessimism. We start to expect the worst and find ourselves wanting to hide away. They turn a world we once viewed as a vibrant rainbow of hope and opportunity, to one shrouded in darkness and paralyzing fear.

                            

That is what happened to me. I am a black woman and a bearer of black children. My thoughts may ring true for any woman with black children, whether they be biracial, or however we want to word it. (If they are mixed with even a little black, the dominant gene, they are considered black where I’m from.) These little black boys and little black girls grow up to become black men and black women. These precious gifts that we are given are a blessing and a burden at the same time.

I love the fact that my son’s skin is dark like chocolate. He’s chunky and funny, and I love watching him explore and experience life. I love that he looks like his daddy, not like me at all! But that same skin I admire so much, and pudgy little body that will (more than likely) turn into a large, grown man, can be seen as offensive and/or threatening to some; not all, but some.

I haven’t been able to enjoy watching him grow as much as I’d like from fear of knowing there are people in the world who want to destroy him.  Not because of anything he’s done, or will do. Simply because of hatred. That worries me. Not that my worries are more valid than any other mother’s worries. My worries bother me so because this country is viewed as the land of milk and honey, but more so for those unlike myself, the man I love, or my children.

So, what do I/we do? How do I/we find a way to cope under this newfound way of being, way of living? How do I/we get back to some sense of normalcy? A state where joyous moments are actually enjoyed for what they are without worry of the next bad thing to come? I sometimes wonder if God has forgotten about us.

Then one day, I closed my eyes and prayed to Him. I hadn’t done that in a while, not the right way. I prayed that He would take my fear and anxiety away from me. I was trapped and needed a way out, or I would die. I could feel it. He did it. He took my fears away, slowly. Well, I tried to hold on to them, but He placed (good) people in my life to remind me that I am not alone. There are other people like me, other mothers who may have started living in dread of their husbands and children leaving the house every day. There are people who don’t want to hurt us like my mind had grown to believe; but who pray for and support us, good people.

I have gradually started to see a few colors of that rainbow again. I am learning to revel in moments of joy and trust that everyone will be alright when my beloveds leave my sight – without worry, doubt or fear. Eventually, I will get back to seeing the beauty in the world like I used to, because of the good people. At least I hope so.

Hugs

Time for your Mate

My sister blessed us last week. She called me up and asked if she could come and get the boys for two days. Two, whole days. I asked for clarification on what she meant by the boys. She said, “All of them, including Kyle.” Yay!!!

It was so unexpected that we didn’t know what to do with ourselves. We haven’t had a real date since our anniversary last year. Yes, it’s shameful. We used to make time to spend together regularly. It’s so easy to get caught up in parenting, and work, and the busyness of life. It can easily lead to one or the other feeling taken for granted.

Since we didn’t have any plans we actually just watched movies at home together. We went to a  Mexican restaurant around the corner, grabbed a pitcher of margaritas, talked and laughed and just enjoyed each other. It was great. We needed that time to reconnect. We needed time to be husband and wife, not just Daddy and Mommy.

I’ve been participating in the #LoveYourSpouseChallenge on Facebook and have gone through old pictures of us through the years to post, promoting love and marriage. It’s good to look back over our relationship through photos. Great reminder to focus on what really matters in life, and to take time to just be together.

Take time for your mate.

Hugs

Focus

It’s so easy to lose focus on what’s important in life when bad things happen. The events over the past few weeks have created a lot of dialogue regarding racism and injustice in our country. They’ve caused a lot of division, but also a lot of unity. Thank God! Hopefully, they’ve mostly caused a LOT more of us to pray.

I found myself caught up in a death grip of fear – fear for my husband, fear for my sons, fear for my brothers. I felt like there was nowhere they could go and be safe. Then to learn of the officers that were killed because of the mistreatment and murder of black people, my heart ached. This is not the way to bring about change. Violence only begets more violence. An old friend of mine is a Dallas police officer and I immediately thought of her when I heard what happened. Fortunately, I was able to reach out to her and learned that she was OK.

Last week was not a good week for a lot of people. Some of us became consumed with fear and worry (like me), some were outraged and demanded change. Some just saw it as one more thing for the media outlets to make bigger than it should be. Wherever people fall in regards to any of this, is what it is. Different experiences cause people to see situations differently. That’s just how life is. But for me, I couldn’t shake it. I couldn’t focus on anything but my fear. I mentioned this to someone and they told me to stay in it, hold onto the fear and pray.

I agreed with praying, but not with wallowing in fear. That is what the enemy wants us to do, to be so caught up in what’s happening around us that we lose focus; lose our way. I had to realize that I possess the ability to change my situation. I can change my thought patterns and release the hold fear had over me. I did that simply by saying the words. I read my bible and talked to friends who encouraged and reminded me of Who is in control of all of these things. I had conversations with my boys about what is happening in the world around us, and prepared them on how to conduct themselves should they find themselves in a precarious situation. We discussed potential resolutions, and possibly visiting with and praying for police officers.

I am all for figuring out ways that we can bring about the change that we hope to see in the world. I’m for having real conversations with young people who (I think) will primarily be the change that we pray about and hope for. Those of us who want to see real change in this country just have to teach them. Teach them to love our differences and celebrate our similarities. We’re all people. People with hearts and minds and feelings. The only way that can happen is for us to be open to change for the better. Change that truly allows “…one nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.”

Prayers for those that have lost loved ones due to senseless violence in our country.

Hugs

“Each time a man stands up for an ideal, or acts to improve the lot of others, or strikes out against injustice, he sends forth a tiny ripple of hope, and crossing each other from a million different centers of energy and daring, those ripples build a current that can sweep down the mightiest walls of oppression and resistance.”

-Robert Kennedy